The Blame Game

In order to really understand the dynamic in our family you should probably know a little more about me...

I'm a survivor.  So far I've survived an abusive marriage,  rape and single motherhood while battling cancer. I fought my way through it all and I came out on top.  All of those things leave scars.  Physical, emotional and mental.  One of the scars I have from life is a chronic pain illness.  I hurt.  All the time.  Sometimes my entire body and sometimes just certain parts.  Because our state is a medical cannabis state I have become a legal marijuana user. The decision to use marijuana was one that my Husband and I made together. Actually, HE is the one that brought it up first and really pushed for me to learn about it and utilize it.

So, here's how we play the blame game at our house!  This is a conversation we had on Sunday...

Him:  You're obviously in pain.  Why don't you go and use your vaporizer and get some relief.
Me:  Are you SURE?  You know it will more than likely put me to sleep.
Him:  It's fine.  I swear.

**Thirty minutes later, after I had used MMJ and I was a big giggly**

Him (obviously pissed off):  I don't get why, if you're in pain, you're sitting there laughing.
Me:  Well, I don't really have control over the side effects of the drug
Him: Well you should.
Me:  Riiiight

**he got visibly more mad.  Bordering on RAGE over the side effects of a drug that I have zero control over**

Me:  What the crap is your problem
Him:  YOU ARE MY PROBLEM!
Me:  Um, ok?  Why?
Him:  Because you cause me WAY TOO MUCH STRESS!
Me:  Ok.  How?
Him:  It's NOT fair to ME that you're sick
Me:  Riiiiight.  You married me knowing full well this was how life is for me
Him:  Yeah, but you shouldn't allow your medications to affect you the way they do!
Me:  Riiiiight
Him: There needs to be a perfect cure for your pain.
Me:  I'd love that.  Why don't you develop one.
Him:  It's not MY job to find you relief.  That's YOUR job.
Me: Riiiight.  I did my job.  I found MMJ.  Would you rather me go back on percocet all the time?  Those side effects were awesome!
Him: No.  You sucked on that, too.
Me: Apparently I suck on everything, so what does it matter?
Him:  **BLOWING UP**  It's NOT FAIR TO ME!
Me:  Ummm, ooook.  You realize you're not rational right now, right?
Him:  I'm PERFECTLY FINE!
Me:  Riiiight.  I'm going to bed.
Him:  That's just like you!  WALK AWAY FROM ME!

Yeah...that was FUN!  I'm sick.  It's not fair to HIM.  I can't tell you how much I hate that line.  I hear it all the time.

I live my life grateful for everything I have, but NOTHING is good enough for him.  Apparently even MY medication isn't good enough either. I don't believe he's ever expressed gratitude for anything.  NADA.  We live in a gorgeous home.  GORGEOUS!  Not only is this house beautiful, but this home was GIVEN to us. We didn't pay a dime for it.  For me, that's something HUGE to be grateful for!  He only finds faults in it.  He doesn't take care of our home because he just doesn't care.  HE didn't pick it so therefore he isn't going to be grateful for it or take care of it. Same goes for the yard.  We have two, pretty sizable, yards with grass! Seeing as how we live on the surface of the sun, that's a BIG deal! I have to BEG him to help me in the yard. When I do it all by myself and it makes my pain worse, I get blamed for that, too. He admitted the other day that he doesn't care if our house looks like crap.

Same thing goes for everything else in our life.  We have a wonderful van to haul our big family around in.  I have friends who are jealous of my van, and I LOVE it.  He HATES it and because he hates it, he NEVER puts gas in it, washes it, or does maintenance on it in any way. I'm responsible for all home, vehicle, and bicycle (of which we have 5) maintenance.  And, if something negative happens to our home, car or bicycles, it's totally my fault.  ALL negative (and perceived negative) is my fault.  I've pretty much learned to deal with it.

BUT, on Sunday, after his big blow up, I finally realized that Todd has NO way of separating people from circumstances. He says that I cause his stress and flip-outs, when in fact it's my illness that causes the stress. He blames our financial situation (which isn't bad) on the kids.  Not on the fact that he hasn't worked since Christmas.  He blames the baby waking up in the middle of the night on what I might have fed her during the day.  He blames our 6 year old getting in trouble at school on me not preparing him right for kindergarten. It's all my fault.

I pray that one day he'll be able to see the difference between people and circumstances. Maybe one day he'll even be able to be grateful for the wonderful things in his life.  Maybe even one day I can be sick without being scared to show it.

Maybe someday.....