Care to dance?

I've been a dancer my entire life. My mom put me in tap, ballet, jazz and modern dance classes starting when I was three.  On top of that I'm a musician.  I love everything there is about music and dancing......

Except for the kind of dancing we do in my house.

The basis of any marriage,  even any relationship, is trust.  Without trust no relationship can or will survive.  The trust in my marriage was broken pretty early on when my husband decided to let his pornography addiction consume him.  Before we got married I made my stance on the issue VERY clear.  Pornography was NOT to be brought into my home. My husband promised me it wouldn't. He also promised that he would not look at it anymore.  About nine months into our marriage,  after asking him reputedly if he was living up to that promIse and him assuring me he was,  I found out that he was watching pornography on his phone while he was out of the house.  Trust broken.  Six months later I find out he was still doing it.  Trust and cellphone broken.  Then I find out that while I was in the hospital giving birth to his child he was doing it in our home.  Trust gone.

Here's where the dancing part starts.  My husband freely admits that our marriage is broken and that it's 100% his fault.  BUT, (and that's a BIG but)  fixing it is on me.  He broke it, I get to fix. The fact that he keeps being deceitful apparently shouldn't matter.  I'm "not trying hard enough".

He still has a wife.  He still has a family.  He still has a home to come home to, but I'm not trying.

I have been the driving force behind finding him the right kind of help.  I've been the one to cover his butt with his boss when he totally flakes on his job. I smooth things over with the kids when he leaves them in tears.  I'm still here.

But I'm not trying hard enough.

And 'round and 'round we go.

The Blame Game

In order to really understand the dynamic in our family you should probably know a little more about me...

I'm a survivor.  So far I've survived an abusive marriage,  rape and single motherhood while battling cancer. I fought my way through it all and I came out on top.  All of those things leave scars.  Physical, emotional and mental.  One of the scars I have from life is a chronic pain illness.  I hurt.  All the time.  Sometimes my entire body and sometimes just certain parts.  Because our state is a medical cannabis state I have become a legal marijuana user. The decision to use marijuana was one that my Husband and I made together. Actually, HE is the one that brought it up first and really pushed for me to learn about it and utilize it.

So, here's how we play the blame game at our house!  This is a conversation we had on Sunday...

Him:  You're obviously in pain.  Why don't you go and use your vaporizer and get some relief.
Me:  Are you SURE?  You know it will more than likely put me to sleep.
Him:  It's fine.  I swear.

**Thirty minutes later, after I had used MMJ and I was a big giggly**

Him (obviously pissed off):  I don't get why, if you're in pain, you're sitting there laughing.
Me:  Well, I don't really have control over the side effects of the drug
Him: Well you should.
Me:  Riiiight

**he got visibly more mad.  Bordering on RAGE over the side effects of a drug that I have zero control over**

Me:  What the crap is your problem
Him:  YOU ARE MY PROBLEM!
Me:  Um, ok?  Why?
Him:  Because you cause me WAY TOO MUCH STRESS!
Me:  Ok.  How?
Him:  It's NOT fair to ME that you're sick
Me:  Riiiiight.  You married me knowing full well this was how life is for me
Him:  Yeah, but you shouldn't allow your medications to affect you the way they do!
Me:  Riiiiight
Him: There needs to be a perfect cure for your pain.
Me:  I'd love that.  Why don't you develop one.
Him:  It's not MY job to find you relief.  That's YOUR job.
Me: Riiiight.  I did my job.  I found MMJ.  Would you rather me go back on percocet all the time?  Those side effects were awesome!
Him: No.  You sucked on that, too.
Me: Apparently I suck on everything, so what does it matter?
Him:  **BLOWING UP**  It's NOT FAIR TO ME!
Me:  Ummm, ooook.  You realize you're not rational right now, right?
Him:  I'm PERFECTLY FINE!
Me:  Riiiight.  I'm going to bed.
Him:  That's just like you!  WALK AWAY FROM ME!

Yeah...that was FUN!  I'm sick.  It's not fair to HIM.  I can't tell you how much I hate that line.  I hear it all the time.

I live my life grateful for everything I have, but NOTHING is good enough for him.  Apparently even MY medication isn't good enough either. I don't believe he's ever expressed gratitude for anything.  NADA.  We live in a gorgeous home.  GORGEOUS!  Not only is this house beautiful, but this home was GIVEN to us. We didn't pay a dime for it.  For me, that's something HUGE to be grateful for!  He only finds faults in it.  He doesn't take care of our home because he just doesn't care.  HE didn't pick it so therefore he isn't going to be grateful for it or take care of it. Same goes for the yard.  We have two, pretty sizable, yards with grass! Seeing as how we live on the surface of the sun, that's a BIG deal! I have to BEG him to help me in the yard. When I do it all by myself and it makes my pain worse, I get blamed for that, too. He admitted the other day that he doesn't care if our house looks like crap.

Same thing goes for everything else in our life.  We have a wonderful van to haul our big family around in.  I have friends who are jealous of my van, and I LOVE it.  He HATES it and because he hates it, he NEVER puts gas in it, washes it, or does maintenance on it in any way. I'm responsible for all home, vehicle, and bicycle (of which we have 5) maintenance.  And, if something negative happens to our home, car or bicycles, it's totally my fault.  ALL negative (and perceived negative) is my fault.  I've pretty much learned to deal with it.

BUT, on Sunday, after his big blow up, I finally realized that Todd has NO way of separating people from circumstances. He says that I cause his stress and flip-outs, when in fact it's my illness that causes the stress. He blames our financial situation (which isn't bad) on the kids.  Not on the fact that he hasn't worked since Christmas.  He blames the baby waking up in the middle of the night on what I might have fed her during the day.  He blames our 6 year old getting in trouble at school on me not preparing him right for kindergarten. It's all my fault.

I pray that one day he'll be able to see the difference between people and circumstances. Maybe one day he'll even be able to be grateful for the wonderful things in his life.  Maybe even one day I can be sick without being scared to show it.

Maybe someday.....

In the beginning...

I live my life shroud in darkness.  I hate to sound overly dramatic, but it's the truth.  In fact, darkness, secrecy, cover-ups, anger, anxiety, fear and a few thousand other things dictate my days, weeks and years.  I didn't choose to live this way.  I had no choice in the matter at all.  I loathe living this way.  I hate not being able to talk to my friends, for fear they will figure it out.  I hate that my life isn't totally transparent.  I hate that those who love me the most have no idea about the life I really live. I live with the darkness of mental illness. But, I'm not the mentally ill one.  My husband is.

My goal in coming back to the blogging world is to shed some light on these horrible illnesses.  To hopefully be a comfort to somebody else who has to live in the shadow of a mental illness.  I've decided to share my struggles, heart break, fear and sense of total loss with the world.  I hope that through my experiences somebody else might be helped, uplifted, or given a glimmer of hope in their own battle.

My husband, Todd, is 33 years old and we are barely starting on this journey.  For the first few years of our marriage I thought my husband was just a total jack ass.  Rude, deceitful, self-centered, and arrogance that made me want to smack his face off.  It wasn't until 12 short months ago, after me being on my knees BEGGING him to get help, did we finally put a name to the demons in my husband's head.

Here's the list and definitions of Todd's illnesses.  The comments in ( ) are my own additions:

Manic Depressive Disorder- is a mental illness typically classified as a mood disorder. It is characterized by episodes of an elevated or agitated mood known as mania, usually alternating with episodes of depression. These episodes can impair the individual's ability to function in ordinary life.

Mania is a distinct period of at least one week of elevated or irritable mood, which can take the form of euphoria, and exhibit three or more of the following behaviors: speak in a rapid, uninterruptible manner, are easily distracted, have racing thoughts, display an increase in goal-oriented activities or feel agitated, or exhibit behaviors characterized as impulsive or high-risk such as hypersexuality or excessive money spending. To meet the definition for a manic episode, these behaviors must impair the individual's ability to socialize or work. (Work?  Ha!  He hasn't worked a full day since before Christmas!)

People with mania may also experience a decreased need for sleep, speak excessively (Sometimes I have to flat out tell him to shut up.  Even if we're in public) in addition to speaking rapidly, and may have impaired judgment. Manic individuals often have issues with substance abuse (right now his is food) and their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. At more extreme levels, a person in a manic state can experience psychosis, or a break with reality, a state in which thinking is affected along with mood. They may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are on a special mission, or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. This may lead to violent behaviors and hospitalization in an inpatient psychiatric hospital (been there, done that).

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions. Symptoms of the disorder include excessive washing or cleaning; repeated checking; extreme hoarding; preoccupation with sexual, violent or religious thoughts; relationship-related obsessions; aversion to particular numbers; and nervous rituals, such as opening and closing a door a certain number of times before entering or leaving a room. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and financial distress. The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic. However, OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions and compulsions as irrational and may become further distressed by this realization.

Despite the irrational behaviour, OCD is sometimes associated with above-average intelligence.[4][5] Its sufferers commonly share personality traits such as high attention to detail, avoidance of risk, careful planning, exaggerated sense of responsibility and a tendency to take time in making decisions.

Borderline Personality Disorder-  (this is the kicker around here) The most distinguishing symptoms of BPD are marked sensitivity to rejection and thinking about and feeling afraid of possible abandonment. Overall, the features of BPD include unusually intense sensitivity in relationships with others, difficulty regulating emotions, and impulsivity. Other symptoms can include feeling unsure of one's personal identity and values, having paranoid thoughts when feeling stressed, and severe dissociation.

People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do. Emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently, it can take longer than normal for people with BPD to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.

Those with BPD can feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness. People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions can lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, as negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it.

While people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, or feelings of mental and emotional distress. In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability, or changeability. Although the term suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually occur more frequently between anger and anxiety, and between depression and anxiety.

Impulsive behaviors are common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving. Impulsive behaviors can also include quitting jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behaviors to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behaviors to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behaviors can become an automatic response to emotional pain.

People with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, feeling intense joy and gratitude at perceived expressions of kindness, and intense sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting or black-and-white thinking, includes a shift from idealizing others (feeling admiration and love) to devaluing them (feeling anger or dislike). Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Self-image can also change rapidly from positive to negative.

While strongly desiring intimacy, people with BPD tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships, and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent. BPD is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction of romantic partners, abuse and unwanted pregnancy.

People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have a hard time knowing what they value and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to experience feeling "empty" and "lost".

So, that's what I live with on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others, but lately every single day has been hell on earth.  Just today, my husband decided he "couldn't handle work" and so he lied to his boss saying he had to come home, and he DISAPPEARED for EIGHT HOURS!  I had no clue where he was and his boss told me he had come home... NADA FOR EIGHT HOURS!

There's so much more to say and put out there, but right now I don't have what it takes to write more today.  In the coming days and weeks I hope to give you more insights into our life, Todd's struggles, the few solutions we have found and I hope to be able to offer some sort of help

Stay tuned for my wild ride!