Care to dance?

I've been a dancer my entire life. My mom put me in tap, ballet, jazz and modern dance classes starting when I was three.  On top of that I'm a musician.  I love everything there is about music and dancing......

Except for the kind of dancing we do in my house.

The basis of any marriage,  even any relationship, is trust.  Without trust no relationship can or will survive.  The trust in my marriage was broken pretty early on when my husband decided to let his pornography addiction consume him.  Before we got married I made my stance on the issue VERY clear.  Pornography was NOT to be brought into my home. My husband promised me it wouldn't. He also promised that he would not look at it anymore.  About nine months into our marriage,  after asking him reputedly if he was living up to that promIse and him assuring me he was,  I found out that he was watching pornography on his phone while he was out of the house.  Trust broken.  Six months later I find out he was still doing it.  Trust and cellphone broken.  Then I find out that while I was in the hospital giving birth to his child he was doing it in our home.  Trust gone.

Here's where the dancing part starts.  My husband freely admits that our marriage is broken and that it's 100% his fault.  BUT, (and that's a BIG but)  fixing it is on me.  He broke it, I get to fix. The fact that he keeps being deceitful apparently shouldn't matter.  I'm "not trying hard enough".

He still has a wife.  He still has a family.  He still has a home to come home to, but I'm not trying.

I have been the driving force behind finding him the right kind of help.  I've been the one to cover his butt with his boss when he totally flakes on his job. I smooth things over with the kids when he leaves them in tears.  I'm still here.

But I'm not trying hard enough.

And 'round and 'round we go.